I didn't call. I am trying not to do things as I always have. I went to a meeting the other night and heard somebody say, "I am tired of taking the same steps over and over again and I am ready for a change." I am, too. I am, well was, the very definition of insanity. I continued doing the same thing over and over again expecting the outcome to be different. I was driving myself crazy. It has been my experience that I cannot do anything different by staying in the atmosphere I was in. It was very difficult for me to live with him in his active addiction. I really want him to get help and I know he has to do it for himself. I love him like no other, Lord, and You know this. I also have to accept that he may never get the help he deserves and I am not sure how I feel about that.
This disease is very ugly! I married him thinking we could enjoy the rest of our lives together. I envisioned family vacations, many family Christmas celebrations, tons of birthday celebrations, spending time together, raising a family, traveling, falling in love over and over again. I knew it wasn't going to be a fairytale, but I never imagined we would be where we are today...
I am slowly learning and even slower at accepting that this is Your will. You have a plan for all of us. You know what You are doing. I am not You.
The past two days have been better for me. Being in Your presence is a HUGE help! I pray You continue to be my strength. I pray You continue to be my confidence. I pray that You continue to help me get out of Your way so Your will may be done.
Ever Yours,
J
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