imPatiently Waiting -

I struggle with patience and Your timing.  Again, I think I know what is best and I think I know the time in which things should happen.  How self-centered that is of me!  Do I honestly think I know better than You?  I am uncomfortable in my current situation - separated from my husband, living with my dad and his girlfriend, financially behind and in the hole, etc.  The whole reason I left the house was to keep my serenity as it is quite difficult to do so while my husband is an active addict and seeking no help.  I must continue to remind myself of this reason.  My husband knows the reason I left and he still continues with his active addiction without seeking help.  It is easy to forget why I left and throw a pity party because he is not doing anything about his problem.  The key word is "his" problem.  It is not mine, I cannot do anything about it, and it is not up to me to do anything about it.  I did not leave to manipulate him to finding help.  I left to keep my serenity.  Although uncomfortable, I do have serenity...for the most part.  I do not have to deal with the behavior that comes with the disease of addiction, but am in utter dismay of what my house has turned into.  He smokes in the house, the dishes are piled up, and is for the most part a huge mess.  That is not only his house, but my house, and my girls' house.  Our clothes reek of smoke and I cannot stand what he has done to our house.  I have asked him numerous times to quit smoking but it goes in one ear and out the other.  

Today Lord, I pray You help me remember I left to keep my serenity.  I pray You help me remember You are in control and things will happen in Your timing, not mine.  I pray You speak to my husband's heart, mind, and soul about the help he needs.  I pray You help him to QUIT SMOKING in our house!!! :)

Love always,

J

Oxymoron

You never cease to amaze me!  That is the oxymoron...of course You don't; You are You!  :)

Sunday's homily was directed to me and You heard my prayers.  This is not to say all is taken care of and I have nothing to worry about, but my faith has been restored.  I prayed for peace, understanding, and love for many people in my life and I have seen my prayers answered through things I have heard them say and in their actions.  I know my prayers do not fall on deaf ears and You have Your own timing, but to actually see my prayers answered is truly a miracle.  

What a shame my faith ever has to be restored.  Why would I ever lose faith?  Thank You for loving me even in spite of my lost faith.  

I thank You for all of the blessing You have bestowed upon me and my family.  I pray for my husband Lord, and that You continue to help him in his struggle with his disease.  I pray You protect him from all things that intend to harm him.  I pray You wrap him so tightly in Your love and that he feels all of it.  I pray You speak to his heart Lord and let him know he has choices and You are always there by his side.

Yours,
J

Not Wanted

Since moving back in with my dad, I really haven't felt wanted there.  I mean, they (he and his girlfriend), are letting me stay there because I have nowhere else to go, but I really do not feel as if I am wanted.  Of course, when I asked my dad if it would be alright to stay there until I got back on my feet he had no problem with me living there.  However, I was  not there a total of four hours before his girlfriend was asking me what my plan was.  She began making suggestions on where I could go and what I could do.  Seriously?  

Her daughter and her baby are now coming home for Thanksgiving which was news to as I was under the impression she was going somewhere else.  I asked my dad, "so, I guess that means I will need to leave then?"  His reply to me was, "well, it's going to be a tight fit."  WOW!  Now there is no doubt in my mind, I am not wanted.  Why did he even agree to letting me live there?  My feelings are very hurt to say the least.  It also brought up old feelings.  

My dad is an alcoholic...I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  Double whammied because my mother is an addict, too.  This is not an "Oh, whoa is me," prayer, but I cannot for the life of me understand this...my current situation, my life, what I am supposed to do, my purpose.  What do You want me to do?  When I was a little girl my dad would always be out drinking and hanging out with his friends.  I would be with my grandma on his time to have me.  I loved my dad so much as a little girl.  I am not saying I love him any less now, but looking back I can see how I developed the notion that I was unwanted, or that there must be something wrong with me because my parents don't even want to hang out with me.  I'm no fun or they would love hanging out with me, on and on and on.  Obviously, I have not healed from that pain and I still feel that way at times.  I can't stand what the family disease of alcoholism and addiction has done to me and I see it doing the same thing to my girls.  

I am trying to take responsibility for me now that I am an adult and can do so.  I have good days and bad days.  Knowing what I know about myself now, I can see it in other people.  I want to shake them like crazy and say, "Wake up!!!  Get help!!!" but it is not my business or my responsibility to do that for them.  I try to fight my old ways of thinking like, I am not good enough, or people don't want me, etc.  

Lord, I pray you help me to understand what it is I am supposed to be doing.  I pray You help open my eyes to Your guidance.  I pray you help me to be the best mother I can be each and every day.  I pray you take all of the ill will and ill feelings I have against everybody, but especially my husband, my dad and his girlfriend.  I pray they begin to see each other for who they really are and how they behave.  I pray You help my dad cease his hypocritical and judgmental ways.  I pray you open my husband's eyes to Your purpose for his life.  I pray You help him do what is right for all of us.  I pray You help him overcome this horrible, horrible disease.

Your Will, Not Mine

I didn't call.  I am trying not to do things as I always have.  I went to a meeting the other night and heard somebody say, "I am tired of taking the same steps over and over again and I am ready for a change."  I am, too.  I am, well was, the very definition of insanity.  I continued doing the same thing over and over again expecting the outcome to be different.  I was driving myself crazy.  It has been my experience that I cannot do anything different by staying in the atmosphere I was in.  It was very difficult for  me to live with him in his active addiction.  I really want him to get help and I know he has to do it for himself.  I love him like no other, Lord, and You know this.  I also have to accept that he may never get the help he deserves and I am not sure how I feel about that.  

This disease is very ugly!  I married him thinking we could enjoy the rest of our lives together.  I envisioned family vacations, many family Christmas celebrations, tons of birthday celebrations, spending time together, raising a family, traveling, falling in love over and over again.  I knew it wasn't going to be a fairytale, but I never imagined we would be where we are today...

I am slowly learning and even slower at accepting that this is Your will.  You have a plan for all of us.  You know what You are doing.  I am not You.  

The past two days have been better for me.  Being in Your presence is a HUGE help!  I pray You continue to be my strength.  I pray You continue to be my confidence.  I pray that You continue to help me get out of Your way so Your will may be done.  

Ever Yours,
J

To Call or Not to Call?

Good morning,

There was an argument last night between my husband and me.  My frustration got the best of me and I did not want to be bothered by his nonsense.  As You know, I am not living with him and am now at my dad's house with our girls.  I was working my second job and when I got my break, I went to get my cell phone and noticed I had a missed call from my dad.  I thought it might be about my grandpa who has been ill here lately, but it was from my oldest.  I called her back and was a little confused when she answered as she was supposed to be at church.  She explained to me that she and her dad got into an argument and she walked to my dad's house.  

Her version is that my husband had a very short fuse to begin with and was getting very agitated with our youngest.  According to my oldest, he even told the youngest, "You are pissing me off," and popped her butt a couple of times, sent her to her room because she was crying and went outside to smoke a cigarette.  All the while the oldest was coming to the defense of the youngest.  It got time for my oldest to be taken to church and my husband told her he didn't have to take her with the crappy attitude she was giving him.  I know both of them so well...they are just like one another.  Long story short, I called him after speaking with her and was upset at his immaturity.  I can understand how the oldest behaves as she is a teenager.  This does not mean I condone or allow her misbehaviour, but I understand she is still a kid and will have these issues.  My husband, however, is a 33 year old man.  He should know better than to behave the way he does.  It makes no difference though, he continues the childish behaviour...the mimicking while arguing, the bullying, etc.  

I have had my fill.  I feel as if he needs to grow up and start acting like an adult and my daughter needs to learn that she has to be respectful all the time and not just when it is convenient for her or when she wants something.  I am done being a referee for the two of them and they will have to learn how to deal with one another on their own.  What's more, I counted on him taking her to church just like he would if I was still living there and had to work.  How do real single mothers do it?  It is not the responsibility of my dad to take care of his grandchildren when his daughter goes to work; it is their father's responsibility.  It is not the responsibility of my father to take his grandchildren to their extra curricular activities, it is their father's responsibility.  Time and time again he let's me down by not doing what he is supposed to be doing as a father, because he does not want to.  A lot of people have to do things they don't want to do!  Again, I really want to say GROW UP!!!

My husband has a disease...he is an addict, but he does not want to do anything about it.  This is the most difficult part for me.  I cannot deal with the behaviour of an addict any longer.  That is why I moved out.  I want peace in my life and there is no peace in the house with an active addict.  I love my husband dearly and reminded myself it is the disease and he is not a bad person.  He was created in Your likeness like everyone else.  It is difficult for me not to let the disease get the best of me.  When I left the house last night after picking up the youngest, we spoke very few words to one another.  I want to call him so badly, but do not want to argue.  I do not want to punish him by not calling, that is certainly not my intent if I do not call, however, I need him to understand he cannot continue to behave this way and think things will be alright.

Lord, I pray he learns from his actions and bad behaviour that change is so very badly needed.  I pray he realizes the damage he is causing to our children.  I pray You open his eyes to what he is doing to everybody by choosing not to get help for himself.  I also pray you give me strength to make it through today.  I pray you help me avoid checking up on him and his phone records.  I pray you put me at ease  because You are in control of this situation and NOT me.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Love always,
J

May I Please Have Your Forgiveness?

Yesterday I made an absolute fool of myself!  I was snooping in phone records and found something I thought was more than it was.  I know You know all of this already but for accountability purposes, I feel as if I need to own up to my actions and behaviour.  

I found a suspicious number on my husband's phone record and immediately assumed the worst.  I was very quick to judge him and awfulize the situation.  I had already condemed him before asking about the phone number and when I did ask, I did so with such an attitude it naturally started an argument.

As You know, we have been going through a very difficult time and I seem very sensitive to everything.  My prayer for today is that You forgive me for my judgemental ways.  I pray You help me to do better about learning from past experiences, but have the abililty to keep them in the past.  I pray You help me to focus on myself and what I need to do to be a better  person, a better mother and a better wife.  

Sincerely,
J

Guidance Needed

Good morning Lord,

I am in need of Your guidance.  I keep thinking I am " Letting Go and Letting You (God)," but really do seem to have an issue with completely letting go.  I have an attachment to the outcome I envision and cannot seem to detach from what I think is the best outcome for the situations going on in my life.  Please, please, please help guide me in my faith.  Please help me to detach from what I think is the best, because truth be told, You love me, You know what is best for me, and You have a plan.  Help me to get out of the way so Your will can be done.  

Thank you for blessing my husband with the new job.  I pray his faith is restored in You and he sees just how blessed and loved he is.  I pray you help him reach peace in his life.  I pray he seeks you in his difficult times and remembers he is always, completely, and unconditionally loved by You.  

I pray my entire family has an amazing day today and we all remember it is because of You and Your unconditional love for us all that we are even here.

Love always,
J